It stings because we really did love it all along. And we pine for the past and place our rose colored glasses firmly to the bridge of our nose and dream of those days. It stings. It stings right in the center of our hearts. It squeezes. It's a slap in the nose to wake up.
Well, at least that's how it happens for me.
Even though I couldn't roll over in my own bed. Even though I thought that if I had to read that same frignany book ONE MORE TIME I would set it ablaze. Even though bedtime took FOREVER. Somewhere inside me, I was cool with it. I know that now because he isn't there in bed with us anymore. And he even wants to read his own books, all alone and he tells me to go ahead and go out of his big boy room because he will put himself to sleep.
My heart. It swelled this last week. It swelled because I was so proud of my son. At 5 years and 4 months old, he took a very brave step. He decided that it was time to sleep in his own room. In his own bed. Alone.
My heart. It cried this last week. It cried because after 5 years and 4 months of cradling my son at night, I missed him. I missed him so much. I felt a hole in the space where he used to lay. I rolled over and lay right in his spot. Somehow laying in his spot made me feel closer to him. I barely slept that first night at all.
But he did. Wow. He really did.
For the past 6 nights I have ached a little and I have forgotten all about the nights that he just wouldn't go to bed. I forgot all about how he would wake every 45 minutes in the night as a baby. I forgot about how I awoke stiff as a board every single morning for 5 years because there was no room to move.
Suddenly his little grasshopper feet that rubbed my calves furiously while he attempted to fall asleep were a memory that I cherished instead of the thing that made me crazy. Suddenly, his awful morning breathe was as sweet as candy and I no longer wished him away to his room. But it was too late.
He took himself there and there he has slept. For a whole week now. And I miss him so much. I am proud of my little grasshopper. Sure - he's just across the hall.
I know. I know.
But he feels so far away.
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