When I say that out loud I feel like a kid talking about being an astronaut someday. I think I can do it but I am not sure of all the ways to actually get there. There's a spark of awesome telling me I can but it feels so far away.
Starting this blog I had one goal. To journal for my family. But as time has gone on, it's become more than that. When I get an idea for a post, my heart speeds up for a second as I hash out words in my head. When I sit down to start writing it starts flowing out and it feels so good. A rush. Like when I did... um, never mind. Like right now, I am just having a conversation with you. Typing out the words I would say out loud if I were telling a story. I use my voice. I hope you hear that.
For me, writing is a release. It relieves my stress and allows me to tap into all the things I think about and put them out there. Sure, by definition I started out a "mommy blogger" and I still am. I am proud to be. Because for over three years, I have been neck deep in babies. I love it. I wouldn't have it any other way. But I am being moved more and more often to talk about other things too. Things that are important to me or that I think may be important to you. And yes, I just might think that I will change the world by writing about it. Or at the very least, make it a better world by talking about human issues. Issues I want you to know about. No one who knows me will ever say that I am not a dreamer (<= Is that a double negative? Go me!).
Last month I had a moment. And it changed me.
When we decided that I would stay home with the kids until they went to school, it was assumed I would return to the workforce that I was familiar with. That I loved. Once I placed Plum on the bus to kindergarten (whoa...that just put a lump in my throat), I would head back to social work, hopefully in the field of domestic violence or working with at risk kids. I assumed that's how it would eventually go down. But then, that moment. I want to be a writer. And the difference between this moment and all other moments is that I believe I can. And that I want to.
I love being a mom. I have no idea how to explain the absolute joy I feel being a mother. Having believed at one time I could not be, I have realized that dream and the dream gives me kisses and snuggles and pees on me and tells me NO! every single day. It blows my mind.
I loved being a social worker. It was something my tiny self dreamed of. I wanted to help people. And then I did. I am blessed beyond what I could ever have imagined. I don't need much else in this life. But it occurred to me that wanting to be a writer does not take away from living the dream of motherhood or helping people. I can do all of it. And it seems I need to do all of it.
And so begins the next great adventure of my life.
I've started pimping out...errr... I mean submitting my writing to other places. And let me tell you that is like a jumping out of an airplane. I mean, if I knew what that felt like because I am just n.e.v.e.r going to jump from a plane. That is insane and would result in my peeing all over myself and my instructor. So there's that. Anyway, I imagine that is what it would feel like. Sending your writing to someone and waiting for them to tell you whether you are "good enough" is terrifying and exhilarating. I have yet to be told that I suck balls, although I have been ignored. But that is ok. Because I have also been encouraged and accepted. I have been passed over and published. It's a wild ride. And a ride that it would seem I am on for the long haul.
So where is this dream taking me?
I just hope that the answer is somewhere. I do know that I love to write. And that there is change on the horizon for me. Opportunities that scare and excite me. But this blog, this blog right here, is my first love. And I will be right here blogging away and oversharing just like always. Telling the story of our family. I just might be in other places to. I'll be sure to let you know where and when because I'd love for you to join me in those endeavors too.
I hope you are in for the ride. It would be awesome if while I venture out into new territory, that you would come along with me. I would be honored to have your company. Because in the end, the truth is, I have the guts to do this because of you. You guys keep reading and the blog is growing and I cannot begin to tell you what that means to me. Because it means the world. And how on Earth do you describe the world?
Much love, Mama Pants