Mama dropped the ball.
When Mr. Pants got home from school today there was a note from his speech therapist. He failed his middle ear hearing test for the second time in a month. The note reccomended that I follow through on thorough hearing tests as soon as possible. I could kick my own ass right now because I was supposed to take him for these hearing tests back in August. They were ordered by the developmental pediatrician. But I got caught up in all the other testing and let it go. I forgot to take him and then forgot about it all together and never rescheduled. In July, they had sent a letter home that he had passed his hearing screen. I guess I ran with that. I decided that his hearing was fine. I mean, if he passed the screen it should mean that he can hear, right? But that's not how hearing works. It's not an all or nothing deal. But what I can not stop thinking about tonight is that it was my very first thought way way back when he was still an infant. I wondered so many times if he heard differently. The sounds he was making where all very nasally and coming from the back of his throat. He didn't have a variety of babbling sounds like I am now hearing from Ms. Plum. He screached. There was a look he would get that was pure panic. I used to tell Daddy that it seemed like he had no idea what was happening when he would get "the look". It was an absolutely heartbreaking face. Just thinking about that look makes me tear up. It was that bad. Eyes wide, searching for an answer to his fear. He still does it every once in awhile. Is it because he can't hear well enough and becomes afraid of something unknown?
Wouldn't that just be a kick in the pants if this was the issue all along?
If his hearing is impaired it would literally explain almost every single thing that is different about my boy. He didn't look when you called him. He never looks around him when running. He is an observer and doesn't engage the way other two year olds do. He cried when he heard music for the first time (vibrations?). He is methodical about how his body moves through space. His other senses would be affected so integrating them would be hard and he has had to find ways around the input (or lack thereof) that he is getting. And of coarse his speech is delayed. Kids with developmental delays often have hearing issues. Kids with OCD often have hearing issues. Kids with sensory processing disorders often have hearing issues. Kids with hearing issues often present as potentially on the autism spectrum and on and on and on. I want to kick my own ass for not rescheduling the tests. Even if his hearing is perfect. Even though I know I should be gentler with myself and cut myself some slack. It's hard to do. Because he is my baby and I missed the mark.
So tomorrow we go get some answers. I've got my Ergo ready and Grandma Pants is coming to stay with Ms. Plum. Mr. Pants and I are going to the audiology department at Children's. And hopefully I will be able to let go of this mega shit ton of mama guilt that is sitting on my heart. Until tomorrow...