Wow. That's nuts.
I have 2 small children who make me feel so young and also old. As I watch them grow, I remember what it felt like to be inside the slowness of time. And I wonder when exactly it was that time began to race. I wonder when they will feel the quickness of time. I wonder how long I will feel this way and if maybe time will eventually stop speeding through and grant me pace lap.
When I was 19 life felt immense. At 39, it feels small, intimate and finite. How will it feel at 59, I wonder? 79?
I am a little less than half-way through the book of my life. Will I have some kind of revelation when I reach that halfway point and begin the second half? Will it start to feel downhill? Will it feel easier? Harder? Will I be cool with it all or will I freak the fuck out?
Will I trust myself enough to keep reaching? Will I come to a resolution that what I have done is enough and set my sails for calm water? Will I jump into more? Less? Will I allow myself the room to change or will I enjoy the comfort of sameness? Will I ever stop asking myself all of the questions?
Will I ever get around to dying my hair and finally rid myself (for approx. 4-6 weeks) of the trove of grey hairs that remind me of time? And what about the ear rings I took out when Pants was born? What if I put them back in? Will I somehow feel younger, if I do?
What if I stopped trying to feel younger? What would happen?
Today I look into my future and see only a few permanent things. The permanence is gone. The possibilities are infinite and the outcomes uncertain. There's a blur.
As I sit here wondering what I should wish for, all I keep thinking is -
I'm thirty-nine tomorrow and damn, that's crazy, man.