I'm not talking about regret. Sure I have more than two regrets in my life. But I try really hard to reconcile those fast. Because I believe that life is a journey of lessons and that if it were all smooth sailing we'd never learn a dang thing. I appreciate that. So my moment isn't what you'd think. I had dreams of moving to NYC and being an actress, I never went. I was married young and that marriage failed. These decisions brought me to my life. I do not regret them. Not even for a second. I wouldn't change them. But if I could go back in time, one of the things I would change might seem silly to some.
If you know me in real life, then you know that I breastfeed my babies until they decide they are done, I cloth diaper, I co-sleep and baby wear. We practice baby led solids, I'm thinking of homeschooling and I don't let my kids cry it out. My parenting falls pretty squarely into the attachment parenting style. So then when I tell you that both of my babes where born c-section and not in the woods surrounded by deer and singing woodland creatures, you might be surprised. I certainly am. But it's true. My babies came into this world in a brightly lit, frigid room and the first face they saw was a doctor in scrubs wearing a mask. So for me, if I could go back in time, I know exactly where I would go.
I'd go to that labor and delivery room and I'd tell the nurse no or at least, not yet.
I was scared, so I said yes. But I wish I'd have said no to the epidural. Because that decision started me on a path that led to two surgeries, I think, and now that I am done having babies, it bugs me to know I will never experience childbirth the way that I wanted to. I know that I have two healthy, beautiful and amazing children. They are perfect, in fact. But it's not about that. It's about an experience that I wanted desperately and did not get. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I regret my c-sections either. I'm saying that I wish that I knew why. Was it scar tissue from the surgeries on my cervix that kept me from pushing Mr. Pants out? Or was it the epidural? I think it was probably the first one. At least that's what I tell myself and what a lot of research is suggesting in regard to women giving birth after cervical surgeries. And he never budged at all. At.All. They joked that he was like a cat on the ceiling of my uterus, just hanging on with all fours, refusing to budge. He came out with a swollen patch on his head suggesting his head was smooshed against something with every push for over two hours.
But the not being sure kind of sucks. And that is why I wish I could go back to that moment, with that nurse and say, "No, not yet, I need to labor a bit more and move this baby down before I'm laid up in bed". Because then I would know. Then I would know that it wasn't me, that it was beyond my control. But I won't know. And I have to come to a place of peace with that.
What I tell myself is that, it doesn't matter, my body did a miraculous thing. It grew a human being. From something completely unseen with a human eye to a big chubby 7lb 14 oz and 8lb 5oz baby, respectively. I made two people from scratch. And because of that, I can not dwell on how they arrived or obsessively wish it were different anymore. So I put it here. That it is out of my mouth and placed here can serve to acknowledge it and then leave it. The truth is that I wish I had made a different decision so that I would know. But the truth is also that I can not regret the way my kids were born anymore. Because while it is possible that it could have gone differently, it is also possible that it was the only way to get my babies out. And I'm just never gonna know which one is true. So I leave it here. And let it go.
Because I'm a kick ass woman anyway. And it's ok.