My little corner of the world, the one Brandon and I created here in this clownishly small house and the one I have grown outside of these walls, is becoming more and more adventurous and exciting. I am feeling the confidence that comes with emerging from parenting tent once again. But then other parts of my life have become more confusing, sad and haunted. It's the latter that often brings me to laying awake at night and thinking. And I do my best life evaluating while staring at my kids when they sleep. Duh.
It is not lost on me that this is the time of year I tend to give myself a life eval. Things are blooming. The air is fresh and breathable. The sounds of Spring are reminding me to sing. The sun tells me to look up, close my eyes and smile just because it feels good.
In short, my Spring is a carefully breathed through series of "Oh my gosh, I can't believe how different you kids are this year and I love you more and I never thought it was possible to love you more than I already did and I just want to make our lives awesome all the time because I love you all like a toddler loves a puppy and feels so good to be happy so it's time to Spring clean my head and make it so. Amen and Blessed Be. Kiss kiss hug hug."
Yeah, Spring always brings me to the same conclusion. Drop the load. Keep the sunshine. Dismiss the rain. Be the smiles and reject what brings the tears. Pull the weeds and plant the flowers. Breathe in peace. Breathe out pain.
Let's pause for a rainbow...
I think about how painful it must be to live life angry, resentful, in judgment of others and full of doubt. I see it happening around me. I see people living this way and I feel such sadness. And hot damn, its contagious! I am drawn like a moth to the moon when I see it. Not because I want to live that way but because I am drawn to fix it. I want to pet it and squeeze it and make it better and feed it candy. I want to turn on a switch and bring the light. I want to put my hands in there and make it all better. At the beginning it is just beyond me how we live in such negative spaces. And then it happens...
I begin feeling it. I take it on. Suddenly anger is born from anger and my hands don't come away clean. Stress comes knocking at my door with cookies and cake asking to come in. At first I open the door and let it in. I am so busy thinking that I have some kind of duty to smooth out all of the wrinkles that I allow the stress to invade. Then like all victorious enemies, it stakes claim over parts of my living and I begin to feel the punishment that it brings.
Mercifully that is when my heart speaks up (or Springtime finally arrives) and reminds me to go watch the kids sleeping (yeah, that still sounds creepy). My heart tells me to change direction and get the broom. It tells me to sit on my hands and release. It tells me to go to the park with my family. It reminds me that I have a choice. It reminds me to re-enter MY life.
I am not naive (usually). I know that weeds will grow again. I know that this is the work of life and it must always be done. It's all a matter of trading in my boxing gloves for those cute little flower covered and oddly shaped gardening gloves.
So today I make the trade. Come with me.