But today, he got double points. Because he is a rock star. This was our morning.
10:00 am : We arrive in the parking deck. When your kid is obssessd with cars, parking decks are like Disney World. Mr. Pants becomes overwhelmed with his need to point to every single car and yell, "Cah-er!". Then we walk behind a conversion van and his mind is blown. He looks to me as if to say, "Mama, what is that effing amazing and glorious thing?". I tell him, "That's a van, bud". "Maaaan", he says. "Maaaaaaan" and laughs a maniacal "someday I will own an enormous van and live in it because nothing I have seen in all my days is as amazing as this" laugh. The van was the cherry on the parking deck cake and Mr. Pants can no longer be bothered to point out every single car on the way to the elevators. Thank Jesus.
10:02 am : In the elevator, when it stops, Mr. Pants grabs his penis as though it may have made him pee a bit. He looks at me and laughs.
10:10 am: We arrive at the desk to check in and Mr Pants takes a seat, opens his juice box and begins to drink and flirt with the receptionist. Closing his eyes and smiling with his head tilted to the side and then going on long rants in Pantsinese. Such a cheese ball.
10:14 am - Mr. Pants attempts to board an elevator without me. Little punk.
10:20 am - I decide I have the best little boy in the world when another two year old in the waiting room attempts to assault Mr. Pants. My sweet angel looks to this unruly child, says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa" and walks away.
10:20 and 14 seconds - Mr. Pants throws a magazine at the little boy, turns to me and says, "Uh oh!" as though he has no idea how that happened.
10:25 am - We are ushered back to the room for his tests. The room is essentially a double wide elevator with carpeted walls and black boxes on the walls. And a chair. One chair. I fear we have entered a torture chamber and Mr. Pants' mood tells me he has the same fear. He proceeds to monkey climb me until I am holding him close. Thankfully they let me and I can hold him during the whole thing. The first few tests involved probes in his ears and sticky conductor thingy's (electrodes?) that he didn't much appreciate but he tolorated pretty well. Aside form the face twitching and side eyeing, he seemed not tooooo stressed. There were a few moments there where he grunted and I was a bit worried. He was definitely uncomfortable but he didn't seem to be in pain so I controlled my urge to rip them off, scream profanities and run.
10:50 am - Let the creepy room test begin! The audiologist leaves the room. I'm holding him on my lap in the center when from the abyss we hear, "Mr. Paaaaaaants!". Might have been the voice of God. He looks to me like, "What the shit?" and I have to remain unphased and give no clues. He looks in the direction of the voice and bells and lights go off and the black box lights up. Inside the black box is an insano pig and it's oink-ing like it just freebased cocaine. I can not begin to tell you how creepy this pig was. I am sure to have nightmares. Then, from the other side of the room, "Miiiisssster Paaaants!" and he looks to the sound which triggers the bells and whistles and lights and another box lights up with a damn mutant duck in it. I can not help at this point but think that they are brainwashing us. Mr. Pants is getting irritated with all this nutso business and tries to flee from my lap. Now, I have been told to keep him there. But um, this kid is Bruce Lee. Small package, major strength. I am struggling to keep him on my lap when....right friggin in front of us a light shines on a hot pink bunny playing a drum set and vibrating. Um yep, that got his attention. He sat for a bit longer and played along. I suspect out of fear that that satanic bunny was going to come to life again. The sound got quieter each time and he heard it all. Then it was just a series of white noise. He heard that too. Bored again he tried to fight his way off my lap. Yep, you guessed it. That freak of a bunny lit up to play it's possessed drumset. Problem solved. Child sufficiently brainwashed to sit when he sees a bunny playing drums. A few more noises and bells and whistles and then nothing. Mr. Pants ninja slips off my lap and assumes position on his back on the floor, legs on the wall. A perfect ninety degree angle in front of the door. I try to move him so that the doctor can come in. He does not appreciate this at all and begins pinballing off the walls like, well..like a pinball. This is his way of saying, "Just you try and make me do one. more. thing. I will go crazed tiny person up in here!". So thankfully the test is over. Or is it?
11:10 am - Thankfully, yes it is. The audiologist comes in to give me the results. He hears normally. I breath a big sigh of relief. She does tell me that he has negative pressure behind his eardrum. This is only a problem if fluid starts to collect there. It can also make for rougher resperatory illnesses. It is more than likely caused by enlarged adnoids and she recomended we follow up down the road with an ENT. He's gonna be one of those kids that needs their tonsils and adnoids out. But that's it. He hears beautifully. Back to the drawing board...
11:15 am - Tired of our bullshit, Mr. Pants attempts to climb the carpeted walls. Literally. I make a mental note to someday introduce him to The Roter and wonder if he will be into it.
11:16ish- We are done. And we are lost in the halls of Children's hospital. Mr Pants is skeptical about the intentions of the Staples delivery man who is wheeling a large amount of paper products behind us. He side eyes him and growls. The Staples man says, "Hey there" and Mr. Pants gives him the cold shoulder.
11:20 - I find our way out of the labrynth and we emerge into paradise once again. The parking deck. Mr. Pants points to every single car, van and truck parked bewteen the elevators and our car. "Cah-er!". "Cah-er". "Cah-er". "Yes, a car", I say fifty three times. Then he sees our car and he says, "A doe" which is Patsinese for, "there you go". He hops in, grabs blue duck from the car floor and happily settles in for the ride home.
I couldn't love this kid anymore if I tried. He did amazing and he cracked me up the whole time. We will figure this all out. But for now, we get to cross hearing problems off the list. And that's a good thing.