Instead, all of my wisdom (or was it?) left me. I think Mr. Pants and I just stared at eachother for about 4 months. I didn't really do much of anything. Mr. Pants couldn't handle public places or the car so we stayed home. For months. Looking back, that is precisely when I started flying by the seat of my pants. All of my training and all of my knowledge about children and babies poofed from my brain. Instead I found myself questioning everything. Why is he screaching at me? Is his poop too green? When is puke actually puke and not just spit up? Oh holy hell, what is THIS RASH? What chemicals are in sunscreen and bug spray and clothing and food and diapers? Why is my son climbing the walls? Do I suck at this? Looking back, I see that I've spent the better part of the last two years putting out fires and wondering what the hell I'm doing. I am most definitely NOT the expert I believed myself to be. I don't really know WHAT kind of parent I am or what catagory I fall into. There are so many to choose from and decision making is not my best skill. Which one finds themselves saying "Come here sweetie and let mommy smell your butt"? That's probably the one that fits me best.
What I'm trying to say, not so effectively, is that I'm not the mom I thought I'd be and I'm also not yet the mom I will become. I can only vouch for today. And today, as I type this, My naked son has emptied a large bag of vidalia onions onto the floor and is wearing the bag as a shirt. And there are butt cheek prints on my sliding glass door that, of coarse, I am saving to show daddy when he gets home. He won't eat his lunch even though I know it's stuff he likes. His hair is a hot mess and I think he's about to pee on the floor. Two years ago I would have said that he needed to be dressed and clean. I'd be over there windexing the window. Today? Nah. He's happy and buttcheek prints are funny. I picked him up and encouraged him to pee on the potty but he freaked out and peed in the bathtub instead. Gross? Yep. But he didn't pee on my couch and I call that a win.