I lay there wishing that I could have made better decisions. Lamenting the fact that I am fat. Yearning for the girl in the photographs years ago that was able to jog alongside her dog and even enjoyed it. The thought of that girl makes me sad. If only I could go back and tell her to take steps to avoid holding onto baby weight like some kind of twisted prize. A badge. A coat of armor. Protecting me from what? Who knows. When you have lived your life playing mind games with yourself and your love and hate of food, you end up coming by some messed up ideas about eating. You end up using food to reward and punish yourself. It's all so embarrassingly unhealthy.
I'm not writing this for anyone but myself. Well also for Plum but that's another post that I am having a hard time writing. Because to be honest, how do you encourage your little girl to love her body when you aren't walking the talk? The answer is that you don't.
So here is where I try and force myself out of the gate. By laying my heart here. And also my brain. I need to introduce the two of them since they seem to work on opposite schedules and rarely mingle. My heart wants health. My brain tells me I can't possibly get there. It tells me to give up. To not even try because I will fail. My brain lies and tells me that I'm just fine the way that I am. It says that the cookies on the counter will make me feel better. It tells me that my back injury will be aggravated if I exercise. My heart wants badly to beat the shit out of my brain.
So it is with my heart that I come to this keyboard tonight. I can. I will. I am worth this. My brain is an asshole.
I started this week. Three days ago I finally spoke up in a fitness group with some friends online. I was invited months ago. I pretended I wasn't. Three days ago, I raised my shaking hand. I'm here. I'm gonna try. I'm gonna do more than try. Please help me get there. And they said, you can do it. And I'm so proud of you. And we will help.
So that's where I am. I've started.
Today, I asked Daddy Pants if he thought we could try to exercise as a whole family once a week. The rest I will do on my own but maybe just once a week, we all do it. I think it would be a great lesson for the kids. He was all for it. So today, that's what we did. We walked for two miles. Took a break by the bog and turned back. It was a beautiful crisp Fall day.
The bottom line is that I don't want to be skinny. I really don't. I won't be sad if my belly is soft for the rest of my life. My belly earned that relaxation, man. I don't need to be cut or have a tight ass. I just want to be a healthy weight. So that's what began this week. My heart sucker punched my brain. Tricking her into thinking it was all her idea. My heart telling my brain, hey you have to want this for yourself. And guess what? I do. I do want it. So it's time.
Now I just need to get a new pair of shoes. Because holy shit, my feet hurt.