Last week I uttered these words to Brandon in a moment of self doubt and a smidgen of self-pity (Who am I kidding? There was an abundance of self-pity involved - a slow, hot lava flow of self-pity). Anyway, I said, "It's days like today that I absolutely suck at this. I have no idea what the hell to even do. And they catch me in that place. They see me thinking it. And that's when I'm completely screwed because they know they have me under a rock and that I've lost the ability to parent effectively. THEY KNOW THIS IN THEIR BONES AND THEY JUST KEEP ADDING THE MORE ROCKS"
Let me stop right there and let that whine really waft through your computer and straight on to the Sadtown landfill.
That's where I was just last week. A blubbering mess of a mom who was visibly shaken and damn near rocking in a corner and mumbling to myself. Fast forward to this week and I'm over it. Like sands through the hourglass and all that. We aren't always great at this. I, most certainly, am not always great at this. Eh- We ebb. We flow. Some of us blog about it.
So this time around I have a playground meanie to thank for my transition back to flowing. Here's what happened.
This morning as we readied for the last day of school before the much anticipated spring break, Pants told me he needed to wear his Darth Vader watch so that he would know when "Johnny* time" was coming. What's Johnny time?, I asked him.
That's when recess comes and Johnny punches me.
My heart skipped and then sped up. I stopped prepping his backpack and sat down. My immediate urge to freak out and toss all. the. questions. collided head-on with my urge to not ruin my child's desire to talk to me. Then, as if that wasn't enough inner turmoil, my impulse to cry danced competitively with my knowing that I had to keep it together - not such an easy task for me. So, yeah, looking back, that's probably why I decided we should leave immediately to have breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts.
Hi, my name is Colleen and I am an emotional eater of sweets.
Tell me more about Johnny time, bud.
He did. With chocolate frosting on his face he told me that he and his friend have been punched, kicked and called names at recess. He told me that Johnny took his friend's glasses and that when he stood up to Johnny to get the glasses back, he was shoved down.
Do you think he will stop hitting us?
I dug deep as the tears hiding behind my face evaporated and a hot angry fire started to burn in my throat. I told him that I was so proud of him for telling me. We identified the adults he can tell at school and that I was going to talk with them today. I told him that the adults at school would make sure that Johnny stopped but if he didn't stop, he needed to tell them and me right away.
I walked him in to school. I talked to all the adults and insisted on a plan and follow-up conversations. The school was very understanding. This is obviously a first for me because KINDERGARTEN, but I think they will handle this on their end. Seemed like they would.
We will see.
And that's it. I have no wisdom or a bow to tie this up. I am sitting here letting my tears finally come hard and fast - hoping they run out before he comes home and that I will suddenly know what to do next.
In the mean time I went to the video store to rent his favorite movies and bought ALL THE CANDY. I will probably get him the coveted Happy Meal for dinner tonight. Then I will be unable to stop trying to snuggle him and he will tell me that I'm getting weird and begin avoiding me and my grabby arms.
I have scrapped by plans for a lazy spring break and instead will be attempting to make this the best spring break ever. Maybe it's time to finally let him paint his clubhouse and to get the fairy glen ready?
I won't be complaining about the blue light that he insists remain on all through the night even though it is brighter than the sun and I think its time I finally installed those shelves for his Star Wars collection.
I going to say yes a lot. Probably a little too much but I don't care. We will have some strategically placed conversations about all of this amidst the avalanche of love that is about to envelope this house. I don't know- he's probably gonna score in the Lego mini-figure department next week too.
All of these are things that I can do in the face of the big one that I can't - control the world outside our bubble.
And there was a time when I thought grocery shopping with a 2 year-old was hard...
*name has been changed