Karma. Or something like it, right?
Tonight I am scared. No, I'm MAMA scared.
It's a thing. A thing that is cruelly thrust upon us without reference. Without training. Without warning.
Mama scared is when your heart skips several beats because you have no control over an outcome. Mama Scared is when you feel useless and benign.
Mama Scared is when you just have NO idea how to FIX it.
Mama Scared is when you wish for that magic wand and you know full well it's not there but you pray for it anyway.
Mama scared is when all you can do at 2 A.M. is hold your panicked and vomiting child while they heave and cry.
Mama Scared is when you force your spouse to take your child back to surgery because you just cannot do it without falling apart.
Mama Scared is holding your child still while someone draws their blood. Whispering that it's almost over. Whispering that the pain will be gone soon. Holding your baby so tight. Hoping that somehow, someway, your child is comforted by your attempts while knowing that your words mean nothing when pain is introduced. Nothing.
Mama Scared is repeating the phrase "She is probably just fine" over and over again. Knowing you have to wait until tomorrow to find out.
Mama Scared is when all you hope to do is ease the pain. Ease the fear. For both of you. But knowing there is unknown.
The unknown sucks.
Today it was a blood draw and X-rays. Trying to figure it all out. Trying to answer why. Trying to not freak the fuck out. JUST trying to not lose my shit and wait patiently for the results.
Blood. X-rays. Urine. All to the lab.
We'll know more tomorrow.
Tonight I am trying to shake off the Mama Scared as I look through pics of my fearless little lady.
Tomorrow. Probably NOTHING tomorrow. But for tonight, my mind is left to think. Left to wonder.
And switched to Mama Scared.
Here's to finding out that I am worrying for nothing at all.
Here's to my baby being just fine.