There have been a few times this week that I've cried about it. And then yesterday I called daddy on the phone at work and blubbered on about what a terrible mother I am (not my finest hour). I cried to him that I don't know what is wrong with me. Why won't they listen to me anymore? Why is it suddenly harder?
I had it in the bag, man. I was kicking ASS at being their mom. What the hell happened? Why is it all falling to shit? Why am I having such a hard time de-escalating him? Why am I having such a hard time de-escalating myself? What the what? Why am I sweating all the time? Why why why is it suddenly so HARD?
Then tonight I got a break. I breathed. I talked to adults. I tried on clothes with my girlfriend. I decompressed.
When I got home, Mr. Pants was still up. He was laying on the couch almost asleep. I broke the first rule of parenting. You know the one that says never disturb a sleeping child? Well, he wasn't all the way asleep. And seeing him there on the couch. Calm and relaxed. Drifting. It made my heart grow. I was excited to be home in time to put him to bed. I was excited to connect with him at the end of this day.
I twiddled his hair. "What was your favorite part today bud?" "I rode in da van, mama!" We cuddled and talked about the day. I told him I was sorry that we had a hard time today. He kissed my cheek. I said "I love you my sweet baby boy" and he replied "I love you too my sweet baby girl" This kid.
On his way to bed , he slipped his hand into mine halfway down the hall. "Mama, you say my blessing wit me?" Tears sprang to my eyes. And I am ready to start again. Tomorrow is a new chance. A new day to find our balance. "Yes, Bud. I'll say your blessing. Will you say it too?"
As I tucked my sweet baby boy into bed I felt so calm.
Parenting IS hard, mama. Parenting is really really hard. But you already know that nothing worth doing is ever easy. You don't suck. You will figure this out. Life isn't always pretty. Everything will be alright. So yeah, tomorrow, we try again.
"Mama? You lay with me?"
"Oh I am so glad you asked, bud. I would love to"