I could gone on for eons about what I don't believe. Starting with Godzilla. I don't believe in Godzilla. But since that list is longer than time, I have decided to place my focus on what I DO believe. I believe in love. I pray for love. Does that sound hokey? It probably does. But love does amazing things doesn't it? Even in times of horrific tragedy. Even when we think we can not go on, we do. Because of love. When I am in pain or struggling, love comes around to wrap me up and hold me tight. It comes in so many forms. My love for others, their love for me. It comes from adults and children. It seems to me that everyone knows HOW to love. Even the tiniest baby can do it. Even my completely self obsessed toddler at risk for autism can do it. And even my completely silly, obsessed in general adult self can do it.
The other night something beyond the realm of pain happened to someone that I love. The pain that was unleashed that night rippled through every cell in my body. I was consumed. My tears, beyond tears of sadness, became heaving grief and fear and I retreated to Mr. Pants' room to hide and sob. Loud crying has always been very confusing and even scary for Mr. Pants. He is unsettled by complex emotion and struggles to understand. So I hid. But he saw me go. He sauntered into the room and looked at his mama sitting on his bed, eyes swollen and broken down. He ran out. I assumed he was uncomfortable with my tidal wave of emotion and was grateful for a moment that he didn't seem scared. About a minute passed and he came back. He was carrying his wubby. It's a little pillowcase that he carries around and rubs between his fingers when he is stressed. He came over to me and softly laid the wubby on my lap. He looked me straight in the eye as though to say, "Here you go Mama". Such an act of love from my baby boy. And he quietly walked out, turning to look back at me to be sure I was ok. That night I prayed. I prayed for my friend and for my children and for myself and daddy. I prayed that we will continue to love. That we will seek love and give love without hesitation. I prayed for love to continue to rain down on us. I asked that, should we begin to forget, love will remind us of it's power. I prayed for peace for my friend. Then I climbed into bed next to my sleeping baby and as I watched her sleep, I prayed that my children and yours will always know love. And that love will carry them through this life all the way to the end.
I still don't now what is beyond this life. I have some ideas but I suspect that I will never fully commit to one. But what I do know is that I feel those that have left it. I feel my aunt hanging out with us when our family gathers and I can hear my friend Bo's voice guiding me just about every single day. I feel them, I talk to them and I am still comforted by them. It's not sad at all either. It feels good and often gives me a kick in the pants to be better and love more (sometimes Bo just talks me through plunging the toilet though). That's an awesome legacy. So I'm out of the prayer closet. I totally pray, dudes. And it helps. Even if just for minute. It helps.