But I don't always follow my own rules and you guys, it was sitting. It was sitting heavy and hard. It felt like a million pounds of bullshit. So I closed the curtains and stopped answering my phone. In what I like to refer to as I Can't Even mode, I operated like a shell of myself. For a long time.
You might have noticed that I barely write at all anymore. It's because the only words I had were unpleasant and sad and full of foreboding and fear. I couldn't bring myself to shower let alone write consistently. I can't be the only one that retreats for the hills when times get rough. My inner voice screaming "Run away!" ala Monty Python.
I'm not gonna share what took me to Bullshit-ville. At least not yet. But I have been a resident for long enough. Sure, I'm vague blogging right now. It happens. But there is a point.
Last week I went to Mecca, um, I mean the thrift store. My mood was in the shitter. Which had become my norm. And basically I felt like this....
When you are at the thrift without focus you are in big trouble. I started just putting random crap that I didn't need in my cart. Seriously, like really stupid stuff. I can't even tell you how much I do not need another coffee mug. There were 3 in my cart. And then I saw them. The Bluebirds of Happiness. Two knick-knack-y silly little glass birds for one dollar (they were $2 but had a 1/2 price color. BAM!).
Like a moth to my outdoor light, I floated toward them. I picked them up and I laughed and cried. I laughed at how much I wanted the birds. I knew instantly that I NEEDED these fucking birds. They were most definitely a sign that happiness would come back for me. The crying, though, well, that happened when I left for the shoe section and Huey Lewis and the News came across the speakers.
It is not lost on me that I looked a hot mess to every one that I came into contact with in the shoe aisle. Bless my own heart, I was randomly picking up shoes and crying to The Power of Love by Huey Frignany Lewis and The News.
"It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes but it might just save your life."
"But you know what to do when it gets hold of you and with a little help from above you feel the power of love"
Dammit to hell, Huey! How are you speaking to my heart right now? How embarrassing is THIS shit? People started looking all concerned about me. But the funny this was, I suddenly wasn't. I knew what I had to do. So I picked up my bluebirds of happiness and I abandoned my cart of shit that I didn't need or want (BOOM! Metaphor!) I handed over my $1.07 to the cashier and smiled through my red and still damp eyes. She thought I was crazy but, eh, it happens. And maybe I was a little crazy. But I had finally broken through to the other side and could breathe again.
Every time I look at my Bluebirds of Happiness sitting in my windowsill, I chuckle. You gotta love it when life hands you knick-knacks to pull you out of spiral and clear the way. Anyway, the point is, I'm back. And I missed you. Thanks a lot, Huey. No really, thank you. The power of love is a curious thing....