xoxo, Mama Pants
I've been down lately. Not in a scary way. Just in an unmotivated, glum, ho-hum and "Pft!!" kind of way.
Maybe it's the fat shaming I received a few weeks ago from a girl I do not know. In a matter of seconds she un-did my self-love and I have been fighting to get it back ever since. Yeah, that post is more than likely still coming. Stay tuned.
Maybe that's why I'm blue?
I have had a million post opportunities come and go. Did you know Plum is pretty much potty trained? Yep. She is in her Disney princess underwear every day, all day. The only diaper needed is for over night. She doesn't need one for naps. She's even flirting with sleeping through the night. And her conversation has just exploded. She's a kid now. On Sept 10th she rounded the corner toward 3. She is now 21 days past 2 1/2 yrs old.
Maybe that's why I'm a bit blue?
But then, Pants is becoming such a grown kid. He loves school and his teacher said to me at orientation that this was his year to to get ready for Kinder. Fuuuuck. Kindergarten? How are we even THINKING about Kindergarten? She says he is making "amazing strides" that he has a real deal friend. In fact she sent me a note home telling me about Pant's blossoming friendship with "W" and that they are "inseparable". If you know Mr. Pants at all, then you know that is a big frignany deal. And that I cried for a hot minute over that one. A friend. A real friend.
He's blooming. He's growing. He's becoming.
Is that why I am blue?
Then there was a conversation I had with Daddy recently. We talked about how awesome the kids were getting. How FUN they were becoming. Going out without diapers (save for a clothing change back-up) and how they enjoyed the carnival we went to and that they "got it' now about the holidays. Seriously, Mr. Pants is making a list for Santa already because it is all suddenly SO clear to him. And during this conversation I said out loud to my husband...
"They don't cry when I leave anymore. They just smile and kiss me goodbye knowing I'll be back"
I said it as a point of relief, because it is. I said it because it is a GOOD thing. But, in that second that the words left my lungs, there was a space that opened in my heart. An absence of breath that I didn't see coming. They don't cry for me when I leave anymore. That must be a relief for their daddy but suddenly, I felt a pang. I think I hid it from him. I'm not sure. I'm not sure if one can hide a sucker punch. I mean, they call them sucker punches for a reason. You never see them coming.
Maybe that's why I am blue?
I have been going to bed with them every night for weeks. Disappearing from my usual on-line haunts. Even if I'm not tired. I just lay in there with them and think about our life. The past, the present and all of the amazing that lay ahead. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Watching them sleep. Watching them become. And trying to adjust too. It's new. I'm not sure how to do this part yet. No baby at the breast every two hours. No diapers to change. They tell us with words what they feel now. I'm not the only one who can interpret that anymore. They are growing. They are becoming. They are amazing...
And they are foreign.
I am neck deep into a learning curve. Perhaps the unknown is why I am so blue. This shaking ground. This change. This transition.
I know babies. Rather, I know MY babies. But it would seem, despite my white knuckled grip on time and my desperate desire to bring it to a grinding halt, my babies are growing. Your babies are growing. Babies. Ugh. They just...grow. Our lives are changing in BIG ways. I know that our normal will once again realign. I know I will learn. I will transform. I will rise. I have to. Because...my babies, well, they just are not babies. Anymore.
Wow. The tears flowing as I type tell me that yes...that's probably why I am blue.
Yeah, that's it. Shit. Of course, it's nothing I can fix. There is no stopping it, re-doing it, changing it. It's life. And these babies? They just keep changing the game.
Bear with me during these growing pains, ok? I'll get there. I promise. It's hard watching you leave behind some seriously amazing years. Your babyhood was just spectacular. But you are headed for great heights. And these growing pains are your mama's to figure out. I promise I will. But I might need to snuggle in to bed with you each night until I get there. Thank you for letting me watch you grow. Thank you for giving me a pass on being a bit too clingy. Thank you for being just the most freeging amazing kids ever born. I swear I'll stop kissing you so much. Someday*
*Ha! Yeah, probably never. You'll get used to it.