There is a pretty big downside to being this dramatic though. I can fall into some pretty intense thoughts when I am faced with uncertainty. Having had cancer inside of my body, even if just for a short time. Even if it was just in one spot and they took it out and do not expect it to return. And even if it does, it would probably mean one major surgery to take care of it for good. And the surgery would be ok, because I no longer need my uterus for the job it provides. She has served me so very well and I'd hate to see her go but if she has to go, that's that. Done. Even still, the idea that cancer found my body a nice place to grow has never left my mind. I suspect it never will. And that was no more obvious to me than last night.
I had my screening a week and a half ago. The general rule with these types of screenings is that if they don't call you, all is well. So I was going through my voicemails last night and they had called. I missed the call somehow and here I was after business hours waiting. Thinking. Knowing I can not call until this morning. Torture. My solution after breathing through a panic attack (BOO!) was to eat half a box of swiss cake rolls, talk to my girlfriends online and cry. Oh and dramaticaly stare at my babies and be, well, dramatic. Yep I totally took it to that waaaaaay next level and started worrying about my kids having to grow up without their mama. Daddy having to raise them alone. I know, I know, I could totally smack myself too. But that's what I did. As I nursed Ms. Plum to sleep last night I just stared at her, imagining her as a young lady hoping I'd be there and knowing that even if I am not, her big brother and daddy would help her through. Jeebus help these children, their mama is a NUT. Because I woke up (did I even sleep?) this morning and called the office about seventeen times until I got someone on the phone. And I'm fine. All negative. All clear. I'm just fine. Totally good. I might have aged a bit in the twelve hours I had to wait to hear it, but I'm good. They are calling those with cancer histories either way now. Good Lawd! Now I am bringing the drama with the happy/relief tears that have been aflowing for about an hour now.
Anyway, I will end this post with two messages.....
1. Ladies, LISTEN UP! Make sure you are getting screened yearly. Don't put it off. Catching lady bits cancer early is so important. I am alive because of it. My children exist because of it. Suck it up and go put those feet up. I'm serious.
2. I'm gonna work on the drama a bit. Because the refrain that has been on repeat in my head for the last 15 hours is "Get busy living or get busy dying". It's the perfect mantra for me right now. It's time to step up the healthy and kick back the unhealthy. Because I promised my baby girl this morning as I nursed her down for her morning nap that mama was gonna stick around for a very long time. And I mean it. That's not drama. That's the friggin truth.