The biggest fucking secret.
We knew that THIS night was the last night. We knew that they would know tomorrow.
I'm never going to write the details of why we are splitting up. I'm never going to write the details of what happened when we told the kids. I will leave that precious, personal and completely brutal night to our memory alone. I have written a letter to the children about that night and it resides in the hope chest. Something for them to find and read long after I am gone.
But I am going to write about how we move forward from here. I think its important to share our healing story. I know that there are countless families who have suffered this loss already and there will be countless more. So I will be writing here about how life shakes out after The Worst Day and what that looks like for us. Maybe it will help someone out there to stumble onto this lil old blog the night they tell their children.
******If you are reading this and going through this pain tonight, please know that I am here with you. You are not alone. Life does not end here. You will be OK. Your children will be OK. Life will become normal again. Message me or comment here. I will respond - I promise.******
Writing has always been a balm for me and perhaps for someone out there, our journey toward wholeness and healing will remind them they are not alone.
That Wednesday night (just 13 days ago as of this writing) Brandon and I were so scared. For the first time in a long while we were making a plan together. And our plan had only one focus. How do we do this the best way. I was reading everything I could find on how to tell children that their parents are divorcing and Brandon was quietly pacing and asking me questions about what I had found. It was kind of funny in a not funny way that suddenly we were a team again. We were a team because we had no other choice. We talked about how this would go down. We planned for all the hard days to come. We agreed that the only way to do this was together - as a united front.
Though our personal front was broken beyond repair, our parenting front needed to hold the line. Our parenting front holds the promise that someday we could mend the pain between us. Our parenting front reminds us that though we cannot continue loving each other as spouses, we could honor the love that created our children by loving each other enough to LIKE each other.
It is the only way for us to protect them.
It was the only way for us to help heal the pain we were about to inflict.
It is a way forward from here - for us.
It is the road of least resistance - for us.
It is our first step toward building the future of our family.
A future apart and yet together.
We are tied together forever because thankfully and without regret we created life together.
No matter the outcome of our marriage we know that our best selves will be realized in how we move forward.
Our best selves must rise.
Our best selves must prevail.
And if we prevail we can still be a family.
A family that is different. A family that places the love of two small humans before all else.
A family that is damaged and broken.
A family that has yet to find out how we work best.
A family that believes in love.
Even if that love changes throughout the years.