"So here is where I try and force myself out of the gate. By laying my heart here. And also my brain. I need to introduce the two of them since they seem to work on opposite schedules and rarely mingle. My heart wants health. My brain tells me I can't possibly get there. It tells me to give up. To not even try because I will fail. My brain lies and tells me that I'm just fine the way that I am. It says that the cookies on the counter will make me feel better. It tells me that my back injury will be aggravated if I exercise. My heart wants badly to beat the shit out of my brain." ~ Me (from my post Motivation.)
Yesterday I went to a gym to look around.
There is something incredibly scary about gyms for a girl like me. It's what has kept me from ever stepping into them. The mean girl on the inside starts to whisper in my ear that I'm going to embarrass myself. That people will make fun of me as I sweat and jiggle on the equipment. She's an asshole, that girl in my head. She says that I will fail. I don't like her. So I held her in a headlock yesterday and forced myself into the car and across town to check out the gym. She almost gave me a panic attack in the parking lot. She tried to make me turn around. She made me shake. She encouraged me to hit Burger King for breakfast instead. But I held her tight and turned off her volume. I didn't listen.
Instead, I walked in.
And that gave me the ovaries to hand over my card and sign the hell up. Despite the fact that I wanted to vomit on the table. I drop-kicked the asshole voice inside my head. And she went away. Her voice replaced by the amazing voices of those that support me. I have women in my life who have my back and inspire me. They are who I heard in my head. They said, "You can do this. This will feel good. Do it. Do it. Do it."
So I was sitting there watching Plum flirt with the trainer when it hit me like a freight train and I felt like Jimmy freaking Dugan, man.
I joined a damn gym, you guys. And I mean business. No more excuses. I'm gonna win. It's new. I'm still scared but I'm getting out of my own way. I going to do it scared. I am excited and might shart myself all at the same time. But that's what locker room showers are for right?
Anyway, I gotta go. I'm off to the store to finally buy those shoes.