I'm on hold right now with (Fill in the Blank) and the hold music is making my eyeballs hurt. 25 minutes in and my stubborn streak to stay on hold forever is kicking in. I mean, I've committed 25 minutes of my life to this call and I will not be muzak-ed into hanging up. Not a chance. Thank the Keebler Elves for speaker phone because I could do this all day.
Frozen pizza is baking in the oven and all those teas that have been in my cupboard since that excellent deal at Acme last Spring are finally getting used. For the past few weeks, on top of all this...life, at least one of us has been felled by a nasty virus.
Today it's Plum. She is in her warm jammies watching Vampire Dog (The best most awful movie) on Netflix while nursing a croupy cough. This morning, Pants was righteously pissed that he had to go to school while she convalesces. When I offered to him that last week when he was sick and stayed home, Plum trotted off to school without incident. He looked at me with fire in his eyes and I instantly summoned the knowledge that they are two very different kids - One who has preferred the routine of school and one who would prefer to never leave the house.
If there is one thing that is crystal clear, so far, three weeks out from the Worst Day, its that these two kids are playing out my inner struggle for me in vivid color and explosive emotion every single day. Some days I want to get out there and take the world by the nards. Other days I want to fade into my couch. Divorce is weird, scary and utterly exhausting. OMG I am so tired.
And now its snowing now in Ohio and I'm realizing that I need to buy the ice melt. I have never in all of my days been the one to buy the ice melt but I am now. I remember as a child how I felt when it snowed for the first time - running to the window and getting lost in magical thoughts. Yesterday when Pants and Plum stood breathless in front of the picture window at the sight of the first falling snow, I felt it again. The joy in their faces. The sparkle in their eyes. It was a beautiful moment of respite. Their spark is slowly creeping back in these days and I cannot tell you what a relief that is. For just a few minutes as I watched them watch the snow my brain stopped talking over itself and I exhaled.
But dammit, it didn't last. I'm not feeling so magical today. Obviously the Muzak isn't helping. Today is Monday and that has me looking for more work, calling for support, forgetting to clean my house...again and nursing a sick kiddle. But here's the thing, I don't need to feel magical to get life done. When I just keep going the magical finds me every now and then. Whether its snow falling or asking Pants if someone turned his fingers into Flarp or that Plum tells me every single night that I am her favorite part of the day.
I might not feel like magic today but I am determined, a little angry, experiencing a drop of UGH and trying to focus. My text messages are full of pep talks and love. Heck, even my coffee cup is telling me I can do this. The good people of Bookface keep saying nice things to me and my mom's been calling almost every day. Friends are holding me up and my two little humans are every bit the motivation I need to blaze this trail.
So I keep the faith knowing that someday this will all be a "remember when...?" even though in this particular second it feels like a "What now?"
I keep the faith because I know the magic will continue to shimmy its way in. One unexpected giggle or snowflake at a time.
xoxo, Mama Pants