It's fitting, really. He has been asking about you.
"Mama? Why is goodnight to Bo? Why do we love him?"
"Bo was my friend, baby. And your mama misses him so much."
"I know, he so gone, mama. I know you can't see him. I know he lives in a heart. Where did he go?"
That's what my boy asked me last night as I tucked him in. He doesn't remember you. He only knows that we whisper goodnight to you every night during our blessing.
He wants to know why. He wants to know why he doesn't know you. Of course, I always thought I'd be ready for the explanation. I've been practicing for over 4 years now.
You are in our blessing for a reason. You changed my life. You are still moving in my life.
But I wasn't ready. I couldn't tell him how much I loved you and that you were dead. I couldn't tell him because he has such an unexplained understanding of these things and I didn't want him to cry. I couldn't bear the thought of him laying there and deeply feeling that loss like I know he would have. So I simply said that you went to live among the stars. I told him that you live inside the night sky and that the moon is your night light just like it is his.
I told him that you, my friend, keep watch over him as he sleeps so that he is safe. So that he has lovely dreams. So that he wakes in the night if he needs me or his daddy. You will help him find us. You wrap him in love just like you did when you held him at 6 months-old.
It was the only time you held him.
I told him that that is your job. I hope you don't mind. I didn't know what else to say.
I will explain to him one day why I love you. I will explain to him that you are gone. I will explain to him why we speak your name every night. But I couldn't last night. And I can't do it today. I'm not ready. He's not ready.
Somehow I know that you understand. Somehow I know that you see us. Thank you for visiting me last night, Bo. I needed to see your face again. I needed to sit in a room with you again. I just needed to be reminded that you were there. Even if it was all a dream.
Visit again soon, OK? And maybe when you do, tell me what to say. Help me with the words. I know it seems funny. I've always had the words. But for this I don't. Come back soon, my friend. Come back soon.
You are still fiercely loved.