I've been wondering some things. Well, a lot of things but I have pared them down to avoid being here for days. Nobody has the time to answer my original 268 question post. So here are the top twelve. Thank you for your wisdom in this matter as I am at a loss on some of these.
1-3. When do you stop picking your children's boogers? And for that matter, why does it come so naturally that I might even grab snot from their nose when there is a tissue box within reach? What is my problem?
4. I need to know when the exact day is when I know that the children are awake but I get to stay in bed and keep sleeping. I will know this because no one will empty the contents of the fridge onto the floor or climb in the washer and dryer. I need to know so that I may start a countdown calendar.
5. When do you stop worrying that they are going to starve to death? Does preparing food for them become more or less stressful as they grow? Follow up question: When will they just cook for themselves?
6. When do they stop letting you hold them? Obviously this answer is "never" but I thought I'd check.
7. When do they actually clean something? Anything. Anything at all.
8. When do they actually participate in the ritual of getting dressed? Specifically do they ever stop using "fish-flop foot" and "noodle leg"? What about the phenomenon of them forgetting how to hold up their own bodies while the pants are getting pulled up? Follow-up question: Is there a time when they actually get dressed the first time you ask?
9. When do they actually hand you things instead of throwing them at you or dropping them and running? (Example: When will "Please bring me the wipes" no longer sound like "Please pick up the wipes, chuck them at me as hard as you can and then run to your room"?)
10. When do I get to close the bathroom door? When does taking a poop become less of a family affair? Follow up question: When will my toddler stop trying to escape the bathroom stall at Target while I'm still peeing? Asking for a friend.
11. When will I be able to stop hiding my deodorant, the sugar, salt, raisins, mustard, shampoo and body wash due to the fact that the children no longer find them to be perfect artistic mediums? Related: When will they enjoy using actual art surfaces that do not include the walls, floors, their beds, windowsills and their own bodies?
12. Finally, please be specific, when is the exact day I will stop busting out into the Dora the Explorer song"We Did It" and doing that ridiculous dance? It's beginning to cause some social anxiety for me.
Thank you kindly for your answers. Have a wonderful day.
xo, Mama Pants