But as I sit here remembering our trip to the emergency room for x-rays (to be sure it had cleared his airway, because every time I asked where the penny was, he pointed to the base of his throat and coughed. Sigh.), I am laughing about something else.
I didn't really dwell of the penny swimming around in his belly. The proof was in the pudding. The x-ray showed a perfectly round "foreign object" that resembled the dag nabby penny I gave him right before he claimed to have swallowed the durn thing. I pretty much knew it was in there before we walked through those automated doors. And that he would most certainly poop that mutha fudger out. In grand fashion, even. Then he would scream from the bathroom, "MAMA!! I NEED WIPE!!!!" and I'd wipe his lil bum and see that shiny penny floating about in the toity. And, of course, we'd laugh about it later.
Remember that time Mr. Pants ate that penny? Ha! Hahahahaha! Silly kids and their $500 experiments.
No. That wasn't what I was remembering.
Instead, as I was sharing with Daddy how it went down in the x-ray room, it suddenly occurred to me that I am THAT mom. Or rather, THAT person in the emergency room. The one that over shares and talks for hours on end causing nurses and doctors to say a little prayer that I will shut the hell up.
I'll show you with the three examples that I remember from Sunday. First you will find the question a professional asked me. Then you will see what they were more than likely looking for. After that? You're gonna see what I actually said. Oh boy...
1. What brings you here today?
Answer they want: "I think my son swallowed a penny."
Answer that I gave: "I think my son swallowed a penny. I called our doctor and she told me that he needed an X-Ray because of the composition of a penny. Zinc, I think? Or maybe copper? Regardless, it's something about how it corrodes quickly and can become toxic in the body if it doesn't pass quickly. And also she wants an x-ray to be sure it has cleared his airway. He's got bit of a cough. But he coughed before too because of his allergies. I'm not sure if the cough is related to the allergies or the penny. He seems un-phased regardless so this is probably a huge waste of money but you do what you gotta do, right? These kids. I mean, wow. Am I right?"
<awkward silence >
2. (In triage) Any medical history?
Answer they want: "He recently had his adenoids and tonsils out. He lives with Sensory Processing Disorder. No known medication allergies."
Answer that I gave: Uh, let's see....born at 39 weeks plus 2 days by emergency c-section. No known allergies for meds but he has frequent environmental reactions. He's not happy being here, as you can see. This has a lot to do with his SPD. There's too much stimulus here. Hmm I think he might have a hernia. But it's not bad or anything. Oh Yeah! Last summer he had a tonsil and adenoid-ectomy. That sucked. It was so bad but he sleeps so beautifully now because he can breathe! Hrm, I give him Zyrtec for his allergies occasionally or Benadryl when he has a bad reaction to mosquito bites. He takes a daily vitamin because he's a terrible eater. I mean, BAD. This kid wins the Worst Eater Ever Contest. I think that's it. Oh wait! He was a bit jaundiced when he was born and I think he may be lactose intolerant. Ooooh, and allergic to chocolate.
< Awkward silence>
Scene: In the X-Ray lab. I insist on staying with him and the technician asks...
3. "Is there any chance you are pregnant?"
Answer they want: "No."
Answer that I gave: "Oh, wooo! Eeee! Nope! I had my tubes tied after my second. But only after they checked her to see that she was ok and I heard her cry and looked in her eyes. I wanted three kids but after having one I was sure that I just wanted two. Best decision I ever made! I love my babies with all of my parts but two is my limit. Two. Is. My. Limit. Seriously, no chance at all, these tubes are cut up and tied and road blocked. Whatever it is that they do. It's done. It's a great feeling knowing that you ovulated and you don't have to be scared. Am I right? Onward and upward! No more babies! So yeah, no. Not pregnant.
It is my gift. And it is my curse. We all have our burdens to bear. My poor kids and their first dates. I can already hear myself talking.