Do you believe in Fate? I don't want to blow the surprise ending or anything but I totally do. I absolutely ten thousand percent do. I just have no other way to explain the path that brought me to my present life. I am also a complete sap/romantic/Dreamy McDreamerson, so Fate is right up my alley. It can get bad at times. I cry a lot. Usually the "I'm so happy" tears or the "OMG it's so beautiful" tears. I cry them silently sometimes too so as not to seem like a crazy person.
I've been thinking about Fate a lot lately. And every time I do, I start to think of all the things that needed to happen to place me standing in the center of the path that The Husband was on. And there were a TON of things. Every one of which had just as much potential to have happened differently than they did. But they happened the way they were supposed to and now, because of that, I lay awake in the snuggle of my babies and stare at their sleeping faces in awe that they even exist. That's about the time I start to blow my own mind and cry the "I am so grateful" tears.
There are endless amounts of paths that lead us to our lives. For mine, the path I most often think about is this one.....
In the summer of 2006, I found myself in the Grand Central Station StoryCorps booth in NYC with my bestie. She had just found out she was pregnant. I was asking her about what it was like and how she was feeling, when she turned the question to me, "What about you? Do you think you will have children someday?". The question put a squeeze on my heart and the tears started flowing. Because I didn't know. I desperately wanted kids but in the summer of my 29th year, I was single and struggling to get by. I couldn't answer the question. I didn't know. And that terrified me. But it made me think about my reproductive health. That conversation planted a seed. When I returned home from NYC, I made an appointment with my OB/GYN. It'd been a really long time since I'd had an exam and it occurred to me that I needed one. So I went. No biggie right? Totally routine.
I was drinking coffee and watching Angel when my phone rang. It was the doctors office. My tests had come back and they needed to see me again. "It's probably nothing, but we need to make sure", she said. I needed to come in the next day for further testing. Probably nothing ended up as something. This day was the start of test after test after test and a few in office surgical procedures that would eventually reveal Stage One Adenocarcinoma of the cervix. Effing cancer. Scariest year of my life. Not only did they find cancer IN MY BODY, it was on my cervix and I kind of NEEDED that in order to have children. By the time it was all over, I had come one very small step away from a full hysterectomy. Had my last surgery come back unsuccessful, I would have lost my ability to carry a child. But they got it out and only had to remove about 1/2 of my cervix to do it and I got to keep the rest. Luckily for me, cervical cancer moves at a snails pace and we caught it super early. So, that phone call I made for a routine pap basically made it possible for my kids to exist. Whoa.
Right after I got the all clear from my doctor (Happy Dance!!), I got another phone call. This time from my bestie. She started asking me questions like, "Soooo, how important is religion to you? Very important, moderately or not at all?", "What would you say your top three strengths are?" and "Would you ever date someone that lived an hour away? Two hours?". It took about 3 of these calls for me to realize what she was doing. She had long threatened to sign me up for a dating site and now she was totally doing it (with the help of another friend too). I told her that I wasn't going on any dates with weird dudes that trolled internet dating sites so they were wasting their money. As true friends must do at times, they did not listen to me. They signed me up anyway. After a few days of refusing to even look, curiosity got the better of me and I secretly looked around, not ready to admit that I was looking for real. I pretended that it was just for fun but deep down I hoped to find someone to share my life with. And yep, you guessed it, The Husband was the second weirdo online troll that I went on a date with. After only 3 weeks of looking around, I'd found my man. And the love of my life. We fell madly in love, got married and made our babies.
Ready for the love fest ending? I believe we are all connected. Every human to each other and every life to the Earth. We make decisions everyday that affect the paths of others. I believe that my kids were always supposed to be and that they were also meant for each other. That Mr. Pants needs Ms. Plum and she, him. And I believe that The Husband and I were supposed to be their mama and daddy. I believe that for your kids too. And for all of the people you love. We go through the ringer sometimes but turmoil and pain can point us in the direction of our Fate. And for me that meant, almost losing the ability to have my babies at all. So, I believe.