Ten Things You Need to Know if Your Child is a Nudist
1. Being naked will not kill them.
2.There is no temperature low enough, to make them cold enough, to want to put on clothes. It seems as though these children have thermal skin or it could be that they do, in fact, have magic baby vampire blood that is keeping them warm. If so, then Daddy Pants has been right all along.
3. Peeing is going to happen. Be ready. Have a plan. And towels. And disinfectant.
4. They will probably only hurt their bits once. But your definition of hurt and their definition of hurt are two very different things. Be prepared to wince and gasp at the vicarious trauma to your bits. Daily.
5. Butts to the face. Intentionally and unintentionally. This is gross. So so gross.
6. Beggers can't be choosers. If they want to wear two different socks, pajama shorts and a fleece pullover? So friggin be it, man. Just be happy that clothes are actually touching their body.
7. Turns out, Two year olds are not self concious about their body so saying things like, "The neighbors can see your penis" will not even phase them. Not even a little bit. Instead they will make it their mission in life to expose themselves to every neighbor, every day. For fun.
8. They are a completely different little angel child at school.Their teacher will say things to you like, "Oh no!, I never have a problem keeping clothes on him". Try not to take this personally (or pull her hair). It's not her fault. He doesn't love his teacher more than you. I promise.
9. Children, in general, can smell fear. If you are in public and you see your child begin to disrobe, DO NOT PANIC. It will just make them go faster. Be calm and nonchalant. Pretend you don't care at all. Pick them up and try distraction. When that fails (because it will), give them candy.
10. On the plus side, spaghetti sauce, juice and other foods are much easier to clean off of skin than clothing! On the down side, dinner peeing can ruin everybody's night. Make arrangements. Have a plan. And a towel. And disinfectant. And a back up dinner.
Good luck parents of nudist children! As I type this I'm getting butt smeared on my back as Mr. Pants squeezes between me and the chair.