Well, I turned on the radio.
"Karma Police, arrest this girl.....
Karma police I've given all I can. It's not enough. I've given all I can. But we're still on the payroll. This is what you'll get. This is what you'll get. This is what you'll get. When you mess with us..." ~Radiohead, Karma Police
My tears fell before I knew they were coming. So many all at once. There was a sadness that I had no idea was right there at the surface waiting for those words...for a minute there, I lost myself...
I had promised myself in 2012 to find my fancy. But I'm not there yet. I missed my deadline. I have a long way to go. And it's more than that. It's more than clothes, make-up and doing my hair. I know what it is that I am working toward. Mama. Wife. Me. In sync but not necessarily balanced. Not always in that order. I don't want to be a third of a mother, a wife or myself. I want to be all of those things, all of the time, without losing any part of myself.
But I'm not there yet. I still don't know how they fit together. My tendency to go all in on one with the hopes the other two will just fall into place is revealing itself a failure. Of course it is. Nothing works that way. I knew that before. But the reminder is good.
I am taking the timeline away. I need to stop telling myself that I have to figure it out by a certain day. A certain age. The pressure is too much. It defeats me. I am feeling a relief that comes with accepting that there are no concrete answers and there is no race to win. There is only today moving life forward. There is only this minute. And inside of a minute life is always good. Even if it's hard. Because we are here.
But I want it to be better.
The tears didn't ask permission to spill. They came to tell me that, for a minute there, I lost myself. And that there is work to do.
I am listening. And I am awake.