As I lay next to Plum last night when she shimmied over for a midnight snack, I started thinking about my lack of inspiration. And that's when it occured to me. I often have the most clarity while nursing or showering. Or um, peeing or... anyway. Moving on.
It isn't a lack of inspiration. In fact I am wildly inspired. But we are in transition as parents. And it's weird.
I touched on how there are no babies here anymore. But it occurred to me that in this moment in time, our right now, Daddy and I are changing, too. Our relationships are changing. Our routines and conversations. Our expectations and plans. It's all changing. It's all new. Because we are getting more comfortable. We exhale more.
A recent neat development is that I'm sleeping more and in the both eyes actually closed kind of way. I'm more rested. I'm more relaxed. I'm more me.
It kind of feels like we have been living inside of a tent these last three and a half years with just us. Daddy, me and the kids. In the tent, we figured out how to do this. In the tent we struggled and had an incredible and life changing amount of joy and love. But the tent got stuffy and hot. So we unzipped it a bit. And now it feels like we are walking out of it. All four of us. Ready. A family. Like, for real. Us.
"Mama's gonna take a shower. I'll leave the door open just come get me if you need me." , I said to Mr. Pants the other day.
The words came out of my mouth with hesitation. He stared back at me blankly as if to wonder what the sam hell I was talking about. I had never done that before. I was nervous. I have spent the last three and a half years not doing that. But that day I got up the nerve to try. It seems like no big deal to a lot of parents, I know. It's just a shower in the middle of the day. But for here, for us, it's new. Don't forget that Mr. Pants is part ninja monkey, I had never considered it safe before now to leave him unattended. Even for a quick shower. It's weird.
"Let's go play outside, guys!", I said as I opened the door to the outside and they ran out. I needed to grab the snacks and drinks so I doubled back inside to get them. I wasn't frantic. I wasn't afraid that someone would get hurt in the 20 seconds that they were outside without me. I grabbed the stuff and walked out to find them playing on the climber. They were fine. Again, no big deal. But to us, it kind of is.
"She's the same age that he was when we brought her home", I said to Daddy today. "Look at her. She's still a baby. He was so little. It feels like yesterday."
"It was yesterday", Daddy said. "I hope that it always feels like yesterday. And I wonder how much is going to change and how fast."
So as the constant up the butt-ness of babyhood comes to end here at the Pants Ranch, I am left feeling excited, anxious and sad. Sad for the obvious reasons. I miss my squishy giggly babies. Anxious because Daddy and I are still figuring out how we parent bigger kids as a team (I'm sure that will get it's fair share of chronicling right here). Excited for everything on our horizon. Excited for the breathing room that Daddy and I have a few minutes of each day. Excited because our kids are turning into really cool little talking people. They have big ideas and plans.
It suddenly feels like Daddy and I do again, too. Plans beyond working only inside of each day.
The world feels available to all of us. Like we can do anything. Maybe that's because we got through babyhood without breaking anyone. They sure did get sturdier these last few years. Part of me thinks that it is completely insane, as in freeeging nutballs, to have two kids only twenty months apart.
Actually, all of me thinks that. Because it is.
But you know what? It's also pretty awesome to emerge from our tent and these baby years feeling like we kicked ass at having two tiny people so close together. Sure, some days totally went into the shizzer and there were times that all of my hair threatened to fall out. I cried both happy and sad and exhausted and worried and scared and angry tears along the way.
But here we are, man, skidding across the finish line of infancy having had a blast at figuring out this family business and loving each other like crazy. I know I will look back on these last three years with the shiniest of rose colored glasses. I will leave behind the hard times and remember only the amazing. Because the amazing was just so...awesome.
But now we head into uncharted territory.
These days of transition. They feel free-er. They feel less hectic. They feel good. They feel...different.