Kids are so gross. The grossest. And I'm not even just talking about the part where they poop and pee in their pants. Because, yeah, that's totally gross but meh. It's at least contained and expected. I'm talking about the insane amount of other disgusting things they do. Like finding a stale piece of bread under the couch  and eating it (savoring it even) or scratching at their butts and then immediately touching their baby sibling (Please don't get pink eye!). Poor defenseless Miss Plum has been smeared with peanut butter, hamburger juice and a mouthwatering mixture of ranch dressing and applesauce. That was just this week.

Something super charming that Mr. Pants has started doing recently is ripping off his diaper and twirling it over his head like a lasso or even better, wearing it on his head like a hat. This creates pee hair. And guess what? The horrified look on my face is apparently the funniest thing he has ever seen in his two years of life. So for a grand finale he will chuck that diaper as hard and fast as he can with no concern for where it may land (Look out Plum!). He just wings it and giggles like a little maniac. And he's right to laugh. It IS the funniest thing that ever happened. Because if you could only see the face he is giving the entire time. He is thoroughly impressed with himself. And I try desperately not to laugh. Seriously though, how do you get mad at a kid wearing an AC/DC shirt and Mickey Mouse ears? I say, "No Mr. Pants. No throw."  and he smiles this enormous shit eating grin and gives me a hug. A friggin HUG. Oh, this kid's good. He knows that I crave his hugs and now he is using them against me. I am so doomed. He even makes a sweet little humming sound like he's really enjoying the hug. Good gravy. As I sink into the hug, he turns as if to kiss my cheek but instead he licks me. Straight up licks my face. I have been licked.

Naked eating has become the norm again in our house. Oh wait, it's not just naked eating, it's naked living. The kid will not keep his clothes on. And it would seem he has thermal skin because I am wearing sweater pants and a shirt and am still chilly, meanwhile he refuses to wear any clothes and his skin has that marbley look that comes from being cold. Thankfully he is obsessed with socks and shoes. He will totally wear socks. At least his toes are warm. Anyhoo, back to naked eating and his newest obsession with sitting his naked butt on the kitchen table. Dude, this is gross. And that pile of rice he just sat in that is stuck all over his butt? Yep, he totally just reached around and started using his own butt as a plate. Barf.

We are potty training now too. Which is worlds grosser than diapering. I should clarify that we are not training him. He's doing this all on his own because he thinks it's super cool to pee into water and then flush the toilet. Something else he thinks is super cool? Dipping his butt, feet, hands and FACE into the toilet water.

There are just so many things that are simply disgusting about being a parent. I have picked boogers from my kids' noses with my fingers, I have sat unphased as my sick baby vomited all over me. Knowing that his fear about the puking far superceded the gross out factor and that I just had to let him puke on me because he was scared and would not let go of my neck. I've been bled on and pooped on and have on a few occasions had to search for the poop that was somewhere hiding in my house. I have cleaned out neck cheese from rolls of fat and been covered in slobbering spit up sauce.  I have watched from across the room as big brother sneezes right into little sister's face. This is seriously nasty business being a parent. It is the grossest job there is. And I love it.